When I woke up it was as if I had dreamt it all. It was a distant reality. Surreal.
Sometimes when you've had a nightmare the feeling clings on to you throughout the whole day. It was like that also with this nightmare. Even when I didn't think about the nightmare, the feeling was still there. And suddenly I realised I was pressing myself against one corner at the subway with tears rolling down my cheeks.
I like to believe that my way-to-big jacket and the long scarf I'd swirled around my neck and chin, plus my big sunglasses that covers half my face made me completely invisible. Nobody can see how scared I am. Nobody can see how vulnerable I am. Nobody can see me. And if nobody could see me they couldn't hurt me either. I can't let them see me.
My concentration has abandoned me. My greek notes are just drawings of him. Standing. Threatening. with the needle in his iron hand. I forget to leave the subway when I'm supposed to and I am completely exhausted when I get home. Exhausted from the anxiety. Exhausted from all the people.
I study all the people around me closely. I can see them clearer now than before. Before they were only noise in the background, but now every single of them are in focus. All at the same time. I get so tired from all the analysing and my flickering eyes that cannot focus on one thing too long in case someone moves somewhere else. I get so tired of humans.
But at the same time I get depressed being alone. To be among many people doesn't mean you don't feel alone. You can be lonely, perhaps even more lonely than usual the more people surrounds you. They're all brain dead, heartless, cold zombies, ready to eat me alive should I be so unfortunate to lose my cloak of invisibility; my way-to-big jacket, my well swirled scarf and facecovering sunglasses.
All unknown are zombies.
And I am lonely and depressed until i see a familiar face. Then the world yet again becomes a happy place. I am safe. I am happy. The bad dream fades away in my mind. The memory will soon no longer be a memory.
My way-too-big jacket <3
Vet hvordan det er. Hater å være på en proppa full t-bane, fordi da har jeg ingen steder jeg kan feste blikket på uten at jeg ser på noen. Og enda verre er hvis man tror man ser nervøs ut, blir man enda mer nervøs osv.
ReplyDeleteAnywho, jeg har blitt bedre nå. Det gjelder bare å puste rolig og gi faen noen ganger :)
Dette er tatt fra min gamle blogg og ble skrevet i mars(?) i fjor etter å ha blitt rana på jobb. Jeg er heldigvis bedre nå, rettsaken er over og mannen i fengsel. Jeg er fremdeles ikke helt på stadiet der jeg klarer å slappe helt av blandt rusmisbrukere/tidligere rusmisbrukere, men er veldig mye bedre enn jeg var. Solbriller og potetskruer ble min redning egentlig xD Solbriller skjuler et nervøst ansikt og det å tygge noe som knaser er ganske beroligende når hele kroppen spennes.
DeleteSå bra du også er blitt bedre! Verden har for mye godt i seg til å være redd for å finne den i all mørket :)