New year's resolutions

The new year has begun, but I've been just too busy becoming an aunt, work and enjoy life that I haven't really spent much thought on resolutions for 2012. Tradition is sacred, so here they are:



1. Be more honest.
This goes for both me as well for others. It is not that I'm such a dishonest person, it is more that I am a quiet one. I tend to just smile and look away rather than gasp and compliment as my inner feelings want to express. I also suck at telling people what I feel and think about things, but this may also be caused by me not being able to process my feelings, put words to them or some times not even feel them. So I've got plenty of space for improvement.

2. Pay more attention to Sun.
After all the shitty things I've said and done she didn't really want to spend a second on me anymore. She didn' tell me, and I didn't realise. But I did noticed and understood that she needed some space from me and I gave it to her. But now things are different. Good. And I hope I'm not mistaken when I get the feeling she would like to spend time with me again. And so we shall. Also, like I wrote in section 1, I want to be more honest. I her case I want to compliment her more. There are millions of moment where I wanted to compliment her beauty, skills, taste or what not, but haven't. This silence must end, because I know she'd appreciate it more than anyone.

3. Read school related material evenly through the semester.
I have this bad habit of slacking the first months, then read night and day for two weeks. Or even just days. Which results in no higher scores than C, and most of them are D's. I'm getting better and better at it each semester, but now I'm taking 10 points more than what is recommended, one of the subject is Latin (read DIFFICULT) and one of the subject is a 3000-subject, which is subjects recommended for the third year. I'm in my second. So reading will be necessary.

4. Be a good aunt.
This may go as a life resolution, but I'll put it here anyways. I have so many plans for the newborn and all the bullshit I'm going to teach her. Maybe I'll make a list and post it later.

5. Do more of the alternative stuff.
I'm what you call an alternative person. In clothing too, yes, but in this context in my mind. I do tarot readings, practise healing, collect crystals and this year I have high ambitions for my herb garden. I want to do this kind of things more often, I rarely do them now, and haven't even cleansed the new crystals I got in November. And I need to practise mediation. I just don't have the patience. Which is ironic when I can spend 12 hours straight stitching patterns in fabric (been there, done that).

6. Do more stuff from the delay-list.
I love lists. I've got lists for everything. This means I also have a list for things I tend to delay. This list is two years old now, And I'm still not half way. One thing I love almost as much I love lists is to delay what I write on them. Well, it is not really me who love it, more my lazy ass.

7. Exercise.
We all have it on our new year solutions. Even I. I've bought myself a jump rope (?) And have high ambitions of actually jogging (!!!!!!!!) when the air gets warmer.

8. Enjoy the summer more.
I don't feel this need further description. The Norwegian summer is so short, you don't know it's here before it's gone.

9. Begin Christmas shopping in October.
This October I did 80% of my Christmas shopping, and it felt SO good when December came. I had so much time to do what I wanted. Recommend it!

10. Not die December 21.
This is here for me to remember not to take this list too seriously. This goes for you too.



What's your new year's resolutions?

Your actions will speak louder than you

... Or at least so they say.


In the white silence snow brings, I came to think as I wandered outside about some things I've done over the past few years. I have both said and done some terrible things to people I love, and specially one person I love the most. I know it is easy to say I didn't mean anything of it. And I know it may be hard to believe me. I don't even know what half of it was about. I've actually made things up. Saying I've done terrible things I haven't done just to hurt the targeted. I cant even comprehend my own actions. It's like it wasn't me. I don't feel capable of doing such thing, and would never think I've ever be able to do them, if it weren't for the fact that I've already done them.


As I was thinking about this the song "Don't tell me" by Hoobastank came out of my Heartbeats earplugs from my iPod, yes I'm a proud owner of both!, with the message of actions being more reliable than words. My thoughts wandered even further back to my past, to former boyfriends talking bullshit to my face while cheating on me or psychologically abusing me. And I really agreed with the lyrics. Don't come here spitting poison on me, telling me it is sugar and love. And then my thoughts were again focused on the first story.


Christmas Eve I gave the person I love the most a six page letter, telling all I've ever done wrong and apologising for every action I have and have not done, and for all the hurting words I've said and the comforting word's I never had the courage to say. And I meant every word of it. I wanted to start 2012 fresh, a brand new beginning without lies, without unspoken thought or suppressed feelings. We're best friends. Twin souls. We should not keep things from each other. We had a long conversation about it and I think I am forgiven.


She told me about her own thoughts and feelings in the periods I've been an ass, and the hard times after. She never could forgive me after hearing me say such awful things back then. She actually didn't want to have contact with me at all. I replied that yes, my words could kill people faint at heart, and that I never meant a word of it, and that my actions were despicable and makes me nauseous just by thinking of them. She interrupted and said the actions were forgiven and forgotten long ago, it was the words that ruined everything. And I agree.


It kinda makes me sick thinking I've said those things to such a wonderful person that means so incredibly much to me. I don't know how I'm capable of doing so. I guess it's the Scorpio in me. If I'm hurt, if I'm angry, scared or feel vulnerable or like I'm pushed into a corner, I stab the danger with the most venomous poison I have in store. Scorpios know just what words to say to hurt the most. It doesn't even has to be true. And that is exactly what I've done.


But as I wrote in the letter as well, I have really not been all ass. I've done really wonderful things to and with this girl, and told her over and over how much I love her and shown it in so many creative ways I don't even bother try counting. And she is a Scorpio too, so she can really see it in my eyes that I truly mean it. If the apocalypse were to come, she would be the first I'd run to. No joke. Mother? No. Father? No. Boyfriend? No. Brother? No. Sister and her newborn baby? No. She is the FIRST I'd check on. In a heartbeat.



Yes I've done and said things I'm not proud of, but that is nothing to all the love I've showed. And isn't that weird? That when a person tells you all you want to hear, you say actions will tell the truth. But when you hear the things that hurt you, all the actions of love are forgotten.


I guess it's a defence we humans set up. We do have a tendency to focus on the negative, don't we? We don't want to get hurt, so we just expect that others just pretend to love us. I wonder why we think that way? I don't know why we'd rather think we're hated than loved. How we can close both eyes and ears while love is around, or twist it to a personal attack on your person. I will never get humans. They're sure a fascinating entertainment, but I will never quite understand them nonetheless.


I really believe I'm forgiven though. The atmosphere is different, and her smile is no longer restraint, as it was before. And it feels good having said everything I've been thinking, and being completely honest. You should try it. It feels great.

Heil!

Heil!

Not that I don't have anything to write, I just... Well. I just need to bother using my fingertips. It's hard, you know. Fingertip-workout. Nah, I just need the willpower to edit pictures and put words on my experiences and feelings really. Editing pictures is the hardest. When you've got 15 pictures you need to get out there, you just need to resize them and put your name on them - that's just plain boring. Resizing and nameputting. Why can't I just look at them and they'll be perfect edited, magically? Stupid pictures wont edit themselves...

Anywho, this post got a little random. Just saying, I'm still here. I will post more. I'm still awesome. And living. I'm most definitely alive.

Just sitting at work in my new military uniform my boyfriend loves so much. If he were to decide, this would be the only outfit in my closets.

My sister is having her baby soon. Mom said it seems as it will happen before new years eve. So I'm naturally anxious. I'm becoming an aunt. With all the love an privilege that follows, without the responsibility and diaper-changing. Best. Familiar. Position. Ever.
I'm so exited!!!!!!

The norwegian food crisis

The world has gone mad.
War in every corners. Starvation strikes most of this planets population. People are being raped, robbed, tortured, killed. Not even children are safe. The world is having an economical crisis. And Norway has no butter.

Wait what?

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C'mon. This has gone a bit too far, hasn't it? I can honestly say I've never been so embarrassed of my country more than in these butterlacking times. The world is going to hell and we freak out because we have no butter to bake our christmas cookies and cakes? That is so selfish. Take a look at yourselves whining about this precious goddamn butter while people are actually starving! Fuck You! Yes fuck all of us whiny bitches. Crisis.. Crisis my ass!

One of the fucked up factors to this shit is that norwegian farmers get a fine should the produce more than they're supposed to. They get a fine. Several thousand kroner. Now that is fucked up.

Well. There is one good thing in all this crapness I guess. I guess I'm lucky to live in a country where the biggest crisis is when we run out of butter. Guess it means we are doing pretty well in general. Guessing is kind of the wrong word. I know we're doing more than well.



When I work in the kiosk customers tend to complain about the high prices on everything (kiosks here are more expensive than regular stores). I usually answer them with:

Well, you are lucky enough to live in this country and thus can afford spending nearly $3 on a gum. So shut it!

The neverending nightmare

When I woke up it was as if I had dreamt it all. It was a distant reality. Surreal.


Sometimes when you've had a nightmare the feeling clings on to you throughout the whole day. It was like that also with this nightmare. Even when I didn't think about the nightmare, the feeling was still there. And suddenly I realised I was pressing myself against one corner at the subway with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I like to believe that my way-to-big jacket and the long scarf I'd swirled around my neck and chin, plus my big sunglasses that covers half my face made me completely invisible. Nobody can see how scared I am. Nobody can see how vulnerable I am. Nobody can see me. And if nobody could see me they couldn't hurt me either. I can't let them see me.

My concentration has abandoned me. My greek notes are just drawings of him. Standing. Threatening. with the needle in his iron hand. I forget to leave the subway when I'm supposed to and I am completely exhausted when I get home. Exhausted from the anxiety. Exhausted from all the people.

I study all the people around me closely. I can see them clearer now than before. Before they were only noise in the background, but now every single of them are in focus. All at the same time. I get so tired from all the analysing and my flickering eyes that cannot focus on one thing too long in case someone moves somewhere else. I get so tired of humans.

But at the same time I get depressed being alone. To be among many people doesn't mean you don't feel alone. You can be lonely, perhaps even more lonely than usual the more people surrounds you. They're all brain dead, heartless, cold zombies, ready to eat me alive should I be so unfortunate to lose my cloak of invisibility; my way-to-big jacket, my well swirled scarf and facecovering sunglasses.
All unknown are zombies.

And I am lonely and depressed until i see a familiar face. Then the world yet again becomes a happy place. I am safe. I am happy. The bad dream fades away in my mind. The memory will soon no longer be a memory.

My way-too-big jacket <3

To be threatened for life

"I don't want to hurt you."

I knew it all along. Had my hawk eye placed on both him and he who seemed to be his partner the whole time they spent outside my shop. My eyes constantly observing his every move. He noticed. Stared back. I knew it.
I knew it.
I knew it.

Still, I couldn't grasp it till I heard he say it.
"I don't want to hurt you."
Not until I'd heard him say the words I noticed the weapon he firmly pointed towards me, two feet away. I froze when I saw the needle. Felt my fright for needles getting no less than it already was by getting threatened by one. A dirty one too. Bloody.
This was not what was supposed to happen. I was supposed to place my hand on his shoulder. I was about to kindly direct him away from the cashier, explaining that he was not supposed to be back there. As if he was lost.
I knew it was going to happen.
I just didn't believe it was going to happen.


"I'm so sorry."






"I don't want to hurt you."






"I'm desperate."

"The land before time" trailer

I know I know, I talk too much about this movie. But you don't understand the importantness of this! It is so important I invented a word! Importantness. Trend it! #Importantness

So for those of you who have no idea of what I am talking about and never ever in your unfulfilled life (yes, because your life is not complete till you've seen it) seen this work of art, have no fear! I put together a little trailer for you. Well... A little collection of pictures randomly found on google. Google truly is your friend, isn't it? So here goes:

You now want to see this movie.

The land before time, the childhood of mine

The first troll invaded my fantasy world the spring of 94. It was hard for me to accept the fact that a troll was living amongst us, but I did manage somehow. Little did I know that this was just the beginning. The beginning of an invasion of trolls. Two in total.

The spring of 96 the second wave came, again threatening to demolish the precious foundation of our family. How many trolls could possibly fit in my mothers tummy, I wondered. Would she eventually die if she did not press all of these trolls out? What if she forgot some day, or what if it happened when she slept? She would die for sure. Evil, little trolls.

And they were, in fact, truly evil. As soon as they got past our borders they started their destructive mission lead by the youngest, most vicious troll. Destroying everything they touched. Everything I owned. My toys. My bed. My teddy bears. Even my Precious. My best friend. My Littlefoot.

"The land before time" was the first movie I ever owned, probably the first I ever saw. It meant a great deal to me. My favourite movie of all times. Still to this day. And last night I got to meet with my happy childhood once more.

My boyfriend and I have now been together for four whole months! No kidding. He has this sweet thing he does every sixth day of the month. He gives me presents! I actually forgot, to be embarrassingly honest. Till I got home to the empty apartment, finding a dino-teddy bear (which I also got for our twomonthday) holding a paper heart congratulation, sitting on top of the nicely wrapped present. This present turned out to be my Precious. In DVD form. All in norwegian! Just as in my childhood. Without the DVD part. Oh those happy VHS-days!

The very same second I opened it I called my sister troll. We're having a film night in her new apartment pretty soon.

LOVE YOU HONEY!!!!

Best way to wake up

Love you hon' <3

My little Troll. Oh how I love you

The day that at first could seem like the worst day of my life was 26th of april the year of 94. An awful day that was. As a child, and throughout my life till adulthood, I loved spending time alone in my room, pondering with my thoughts. Creating a fantasy world just as I would like it. But suddenly my fantasy world got invaded by a troll and I got tossed out of my own kingdom into the cruel world of humans. In the world I no longer was alone. I was now sharing my world with this troll.

Frightening, wasn't she? All the things I did to get her in trouble...

As she grew older she managed to get inn trouble all by herself. Toughest part of my life, as I can remember my life, was when she was at her worst and I was the one strong enough in our family to even care. And it made me angry. She made me angry. How can a girl I loved so much do this to me? To herself? No-one else saw. Not even when I showed her problems right to their faces. Only I could see that my precious little troll that I've slowly adjusted to was crying. Inside herself. She had found her own fantasy world that she was all alone in. And she had put up a higher wall than I did in my time, so no troll could get in. Not even me.

But my sister is strong. Stronger than anyone would think. Stronger that she looks. Stronger that you'll ever be. Stronger than you'll ever know. She got out of the hell she created for herself. She replaced it with love and acceptance. Both for herself and the people she's got around her. She was safe. Finally.

Prom last year, in a dress I made for her

But then..

Then the world as she knew it, as she had rebuilt from the hell she was in, trembled around her, threatening to dissolve into tiny, unrepairable pieces. You do not want to get the two pluses on a pregnancy test as a 16 year old girl just getting her life on the right place. Just as she was getting help with her psyche, anger issues and with her epilepsy. She knew, and we knew, that this was not a healthy body for a child to take form.

She was caught with her pants down. But yet again she was strong. Stronger than anyone would think. Stronger than she looks. Stronger than you'll ever be and ever know. She looked the challenge right in its face and said "Bring it!"

Eight months later (almost) she and her boyfriend, the father of my soon to be niece, moved together in their very own apartment, today (well... Yesterday technically). The whole family has helped them make it through. That is so much more than her mother got when she was in the same situation with me. She is not alone. And no matter how awful the hell around her may seem, we will all pinch in and help. I am no longer the only one who sees.

Mother and father of my soon to be niece.. No wait...

There we go!

Time has flown and my little troll is not so little anymore...

She has grown to be a beautiful young lady with a brain and a heart she uses more than most. She has become a glowing mother to be with the strength and wisdom that is needed to be a good one.

But.. You will always be my little troll. And you will always be welcome in my private fantasy world.

Love you