Music and tea can mend almost anything

I'm the daughter of a musician. I grew up with a studio right next to my bedroom, and had music around me every second of every day, and often every night. When you grow up like that you begin to appreciate silence. Therefore I'm not like everybody else who seem to be addicted to listening to music. I like music, love listening to it and do it often, especially when traveling, but like it quiet too, and don't listen to music half as much as I believe others do. But this week I've been listening almost nonstop. I think it is a mix of listening to words that express my feelings better than I do myself and the comfort I recognize from my safe childhood.

I noticed how the songs changed as I changed. From the most depressive songs to bitter songs to songs about rising up and gain strength. So I guess I just wanted to share some of the songs I've been listening to, for you to perhaps get better insight in how I've been feeling, and how I'm feeling now.

This is a long list though, but it also portrays how diverse my taste of music is.



The first section is from the list of music I made the first days as I was just crying nonstop. I could begin to cry everywhere and in every situation. And to me who never cries in front of people, and barely cry alone, this was big.



This is how I felt about the guy. Like everything he said was a lie, and I felt stupid for ever believing he'd liked me.




I was torn between deleting him from my life and give him one more chance. This was used in the moments I just wanted last weekend to be a bad dream.




This is just... so accurate.




This song was to myself. To just.. keep on going.




I added this song because I felt that my best friend, who is called Sun, had killed me.




This too was a song for me to remind myself that it will be a long way to happiness, but I will get there.




This too is just.. accurate.




Couldn't find a lyric video, and this was the only video that wasn't a homemade cover. But the message is still there. Again it had something to do with Sun, and the need for me to just walk away. Many times my thoughts entered the sort of suicidal area, without actually consider that option. There is too much strength in me to even consider that.




I listened to this to remember to feel the pain so I won't sink down in apathy like I tend to do when life is just too hard to handle.




Accurate.. Just... so accurate.




I kinda get tired from writing this, but again very accurate to both feelings and what happened.




This is about my friend. The way she came into my life, portraying herself as an angel, pure without flaws. I often think of the small smile as she told me what she did that night. "The smile when you tore me apart". And as the song say "The world may have failed you, it doesn't give the reason why. You could have chosen a different path".




I listened to this song when all I wanted is for her to just fight for our friendship. She hasn't really done much to keep the friendship alive, I was hoping she'd do something now. Also it reminded me to just get by, breath by breath.




Exactly my thoughts the time I was just angry.




For all the confusion when everyone was lying.




I'm terrible at showing when I'm in pain, but this time I've been fairy open about it. This song is not that relevant to what's happened, I just liked listening to it.



After a few days I went from unbearable grief and hysterically crying to angry and bitter. And thus my music of choice changed.



When I think of how my friend betrayed me in the absolute worst way and yet have done nothing to even show remorse.




Haha as the title say, self therapy. (couldn't find one with decent english grammar, sadly)



There was no lyric vid for this, but you get it, right?



And then, today I've gone over to more strengthening songs like:



There is just no song greater than this in situations like these.




I'm unbreakable. I am titanium.



I know this really isn't about anything near situation, but most of the song can be converted to fit. And the chorus really strengthen me, telling me to stand strong.



It has been a ride, mentally, emotionally, musically. I've been going through radical changes, hopefully for the better. Hopefully my music will be all about love and joy once again.




This is just a great summary of all of this!

I love music.
Almost as much as I love cats and tea.

Your actions will speak louder than you

... Or at least so they say.


In the white silence snow brings, I came to think as I wandered outside about some things I've done over the past few years. I have both said and done some terrible things to people I love, and specially one person I love the most. I know it is easy to say I didn't mean anything of it. And I know it may be hard to believe me. I don't even know what half of it was about. I've actually made things up. Saying I've done terrible things I haven't done just to hurt the targeted. I cant even comprehend my own actions. It's like it wasn't me. I don't feel capable of doing such thing, and would never think I've ever be able to do them, if it weren't for the fact that I've already done them.


As I was thinking about this the song "Don't tell me" by Hoobastank came out of my Heartbeats earplugs from my iPod, yes I'm a proud owner of both!, with the message of actions being more reliable than words. My thoughts wandered even further back to my past, to former boyfriends talking bullshit to my face while cheating on me or psychologically abusing me. And I really agreed with the lyrics. Don't come here spitting poison on me, telling me it is sugar and love. And then my thoughts were again focused on the first story.


Christmas Eve I gave the person I love the most a six page letter, telling all I've ever done wrong and apologising for every action I have and have not done, and for all the hurting words I've said and the comforting word's I never had the courage to say. And I meant every word of it. I wanted to start 2012 fresh, a brand new beginning without lies, without unspoken thought or suppressed feelings. We're best friends. Twin souls. We should not keep things from each other. We had a long conversation about it and I think I am forgiven.


She told me about her own thoughts and feelings in the periods I've been an ass, and the hard times after. She never could forgive me after hearing me say such awful things back then. She actually didn't want to have contact with me at all. I replied that yes, my words could kill people faint at heart, and that I never meant a word of it, and that my actions were despicable and makes me nauseous just by thinking of them. She interrupted and said the actions were forgiven and forgotten long ago, it was the words that ruined everything. And I agree.


It kinda makes me sick thinking I've said those things to such a wonderful person that means so incredibly much to me. I don't know how I'm capable of doing so. I guess it's the Scorpio in me. If I'm hurt, if I'm angry, scared or feel vulnerable or like I'm pushed into a corner, I stab the danger with the most venomous poison I have in store. Scorpios know just what words to say to hurt the most. It doesn't even has to be true. And that is exactly what I've done.


But as I wrote in the letter as well, I have really not been all ass. I've done really wonderful things to and with this girl, and told her over and over how much I love her and shown it in so many creative ways I don't even bother try counting. And she is a Scorpio too, so she can really see it in my eyes that I truly mean it. If the apocalypse were to come, she would be the first I'd run to. No joke. Mother? No. Father? No. Boyfriend? No. Brother? No. Sister and her newborn baby? No. She is the FIRST I'd check on. In a heartbeat.



Yes I've done and said things I'm not proud of, but that is nothing to all the love I've showed. And isn't that weird? That when a person tells you all you want to hear, you say actions will tell the truth. But when you hear the things that hurt you, all the actions of love are forgotten.


I guess it's a defence we humans set up. We do have a tendency to focus on the negative, don't we? We don't want to get hurt, so we just expect that others just pretend to love us. I wonder why we think that way? I don't know why we'd rather think we're hated than loved. How we can close both eyes and ears while love is around, or twist it to a personal attack on your person. I will never get humans. They're sure a fascinating entertainment, but I will never quite understand them nonetheless.


I really believe I'm forgiven though. The atmosphere is different, and her smile is no longer restraint, as it was before. And it feels good having said everything I've been thinking, and being completely honest. You should try it. It feels great.