Your actions will speak louder than you

... Or at least so they say.


In the white silence snow brings, I came to think as I wandered outside about some things I've done over the past few years. I have both said and done some terrible things to people I love, and specially one person I love the most. I know it is easy to say I didn't mean anything of it. And I know it may be hard to believe me. I don't even know what half of it was about. I've actually made things up. Saying I've done terrible things I haven't done just to hurt the targeted. I cant even comprehend my own actions. It's like it wasn't me. I don't feel capable of doing such thing, and would never think I've ever be able to do them, if it weren't for the fact that I've already done them.


As I was thinking about this the song "Don't tell me" by Hoobastank came out of my Heartbeats earplugs from my iPod, yes I'm a proud owner of both!, with the message of actions being more reliable than words. My thoughts wandered even further back to my past, to former boyfriends talking bullshit to my face while cheating on me or psychologically abusing me. And I really agreed with the lyrics. Don't come here spitting poison on me, telling me it is sugar and love. And then my thoughts were again focused on the first story.


Christmas Eve I gave the person I love the most a six page letter, telling all I've ever done wrong and apologising for every action I have and have not done, and for all the hurting words I've said and the comforting word's I never had the courage to say. And I meant every word of it. I wanted to start 2012 fresh, a brand new beginning without lies, without unspoken thought or suppressed feelings. We're best friends. Twin souls. We should not keep things from each other. We had a long conversation about it and I think I am forgiven.


She told me about her own thoughts and feelings in the periods I've been an ass, and the hard times after. She never could forgive me after hearing me say such awful things back then. She actually didn't want to have contact with me at all. I replied that yes, my words could kill people faint at heart, and that I never meant a word of it, and that my actions were despicable and makes me nauseous just by thinking of them. She interrupted and said the actions were forgiven and forgotten long ago, it was the words that ruined everything. And I agree.


It kinda makes me sick thinking I've said those things to such a wonderful person that means so incredibly much to me. I don't know how I'm capable of doing so. I guess it's the Scorpio in me. If I'm hurt, if I'm angry, scared or feel vulnerable or like I'm pushed into a corner, I stab the danger with the most venomous poison I have in store. Scorpios know just what words to say to hurt the most. It doesn't even has to be true. And that is exactly what I've done.


But as I wrote in the letter as well, I have really not been all ass. I've done really wonderful things to and with this girl, and told her over and over how much I love her and shown it in so many creative ways I don't even bother try counting. And she is a Scorpio too, so she can really see it in my eyes that I truly mean it. If the apocalypse were to come, she would be the first I'd run to. No joke. Mother? No. Father? No. Boyfriend? No. Brother? No. Sister and her newborn baby? No. She is the FIRST I'd check on. In a heartbeat.



Yes I've done and said things I'm not proud of, but that is nothing to all the love I've showed. And isn't that weird? That when a person tells you all you want to hear, you say actions will tell the truth. But when you hear the things that hurt you, all the actions of love are forgotten.


I guess it's a defence we humans set up. We do have a tendency to focus on the negative, don't we? We don't want to get hurt, so we just expect that others just pretend to love us. I wonder why we think that way? I don't know why we'd rather think we're hated than loved. How we can close both eyes and ears while love is around, or twist it to a personal attack on your person. I will never get humans. They're sure a fascinating entertainment, but I will never quite understand them nonetheless.


I really believe I'm forgiven though. The atmosphere is different, and her smile is no longer restraint, as it was before. And it feels good having said everything I've been thinking, and being completely honest. You should try it. It feels great.

My little Troll. Oh how I love you

The day that at first could seem like the worst day of my life was 26th of april the year of 94. An awful day that was. As a child, and throughout my life till adulthood, I loved spending time alone in my room, pondering with my thoughts. Creating a fantasy world just as I would like it. But suddenly my fantasy world got invaded by a troll and I got tossed out of my own kingdom into the cruel world of humans. In the world I no longer was alone. I was now sharing my world with this troll.

Frightening, wasn't she? All the things I did to get her in trouble...

As she grew older she managed to get inn trouble all by herself. Toughest part of my life, as I can remember my life, was when she was at her worst and I was the one strong enough in our family to even care. And it made me angry. She made me angry. How can a girl I loved so much do this to me? To herself? No-one else saw. Not even when I showed her problems right to their faces. Only I could see that my precious little troll that I've slowly adjusted to was crying. Inside herself. She had found her own fantasy world that she was all alone in. And she had put up a higher wall than I did in my time, so no troll could get in. Not even me.

But my sister is strong. Stronger than anyone would think. Stronger that she looks. Stronger that you'll ever be. Stronger than you'll ever know. She got out of the hell she created for herself. She replaced it with love and acceptance. Both for herself and the people she's got around her. She was safe. Finally.

Prom last year, in a dress I made for her

But then..

Then the world as she knew it, as she had rebuilt from the hell she was in, trembled around her, threatening to dissolve into tiny, unrepairable pieces. You do not want to get the two pluses on a pregnancy test as a 16 year old girl just getting her life on the right place. Just as she was getting help with her psyche, anger issues and with her epilepsy. She knew, and we knew, that this was not a healthy body for a child to take form.

She was caught with her pants down. But yet again she was strong. Stronger than anyone would think. Stronger than she looks. Stronger than you'll ever be and ever know. She looked the challenge right in its face and said "Bring it!"

Eight months later (almost) she and her boyfriend, the father of my soon to be niece, moved together in their very own apartment, today (well... Yesterday technically). The whole family has helped them make it through. That is so much more than her mother got when she was in the same situation with me. She is not alone. And no matter how awful the hell around her may seem, we will all pinch in and help. I am no longer the only one who sees.

Mother and father of my soon to be niece.. No wait...

There we go!

Time has flown and my little troll is not so little anymore...

She has grown to be a beautiful young lady with a brain and a heart she uses more than most. She has become a glowing mother to be with the strength and wisdom that is needed to be a good one.

But.. You will always be my little troll. And you will always be welcome in my private fantasy world.

Love you

How me and my bf got together

So this is a little story of how me and my boyfriend got together, for those of you who might wonder. You probably don't, but I don't care. I'm telling anyways.

I was all alone in the universe. Well, except from the Sun, my best friend. Anyway. I was almost completely alone in the universe.

All alone...

But then one day...

My boyfriends' nickname is Nemo (after the song from Nightwish), but everyone calls him "Fishy".. You know... from the movie "Finding Nemo"

It took some time for him to open up for me...

And some time for me to understand what he really was saying....