I just want to perish

 

Maybe wake back to life when my one reason to live has changed its mind and want to stay with me.

 

Everything is so fucked. Why can't have just one small period of my life, maybe longer than one week at the time, where things are not fucked? I don't want to deal with this! In just one month I almost lost everything, gave up on myself and now everything gives up on me too. I knew it. Things can never be all good. Not in my life.

A darkness comes

I got an oh so purdy letter the other day, from my man <3

It's even got a moon on the cover. My man knows I'm a sucker for details *love*

 ”To NaRa
On Saturday 3rd of March
Invited for a special edition night!


1. YOU MUST DRESS BLACK AND SEXY!
2. YOU MUST BE OBEDIENT!
3. YOU MUST LIKE THAT I TAKE YOU HARD!!!

ENTRANCE ORDERS:

NB: If you do not follow this rules it may lead to banishment!

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SPEAK AS YOU ENTER!

1. YOU WALK THROUGH THE DOOR AND CLOSE IT
2. YOU TAKE 2 STEPS AND TURN FACING THE DOOR
3. YOU TAKE OFF YOUR COAT AND SHOES AND PUT THEM ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF YOU
4. YOU STAND STILL AND PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR BACK

A darkness is coming

-Nemo”

Well, then I'm off. Wish me luck, maybe I'll tell you all about it later ;)

Cupcake madness!

I'm in a explicit good mood today! So I decided to search eBay for some cupcake stands and carriers! I'm so happy, I want to bake stuff! It's like when I'm in love, I get this urge. Urge for baking. And springtime get me that in love feeling.
I know I don't have nearly the time needed for baking anything right now with two papers due this month and all, but I can dream, and I can buy the necessary items for a cupcake madness!

I already have this:

Now I just need this stand that I've been drooling all over for ever

Or maybe I should try making these??

Yep

How evil are you?

I'm working at Naughty Shadows today, feeling great actually! The spring is bathing the town in a beautiful yellow sunlight, and I'm so happy I'm dancing behind the desk-looking totally retarded, or cute. Either one.

Sun posted a "how evil are you"-test on her Norwegian blog, forcing me to take it, and of course I had to, so my results were:

You are creative, philosophical  and particularly concerned about people. This could mean that you are good at putting yourself in others’ shoes and you have high empathy. Furthermore, you must always remember that all people are as much human as you are. To think that some are less human, do in fact make it easier for you to kill them.

The very same answer that she got. It be no joke when I say we share the same brain.

If you want to take this Norwegian test, press HERE - and be sure to post your result as comment. If you want to read Suns hilarious blog, press HERE - and it's even more entertaining when you can actually read Norwegian.

The day I *almost* saved the world

Yesterday was a big day for me. A week ago I got a call from the hospital and they set up an appointment for me for my first blood donation session. Which was yesterday.

I've had Trypanophobia my whole life, and my phobia of needles did not get any better when I got robbed by a junkie threatening me with a dirty, bloody needle. So you can say I didn't actually look forward to give blood. But nevertheless, my mind was set on it. I was getting rid of my phobia and in the same time contribute to the world, save human lives, be a hero. I really felt like a hero, giving my own life to save others in need. And it felt good, being able to say I donate blood. It felt great!

But i realised I couldn't do this alone.. So I sent Sun a message:

"Do you finish work at 4 pm? What are your plans after that? *may possibly resemble a leading questing that later will be followed by "do you want to..." and in this case will be the beginning of the question " do you want to come hold my hand while I'm being brave when doctors steal my blood?" if this would've been such a leading question as I imply*"

And of course she'd love to! So after school I took the train to Lillestrøm medical centre. I got there. I filled out the forms. I sat down with the nice nurse lady. I got sent home. Apparently my oh so gorgeous lip piercing prevent me from being able to donate blood. It goes through the mucous membrane which can affect my blood. I think it's great that they're so precocious, and I love that I escaped the needle, but still a bit sad I can't to it when I really wanted to.

I don't like to look at it as a rejection, I like to think more of it just me being to cool for them, with my oh so cool and awesome piercing. He-llo go-rgeous!

The day I got neutered

I hate hairdressers.




I was going to end my post there, but I thought you'd like an explanation, so here goes.
(Oh no, not again, those stupid drawings!)

I had very beautiful hair. Well, to me it was beautiful.

But I wasn't 100% pleased with it and decided to go to the hairdresser.

A few days before the session, I stopped by the hairdresser and gave her some pictures of how I wanted my hair to be:

I wanted scene-inspired hair, with colours! Short and messy on the top, long and straight under. I figured this might need some planning, and therefore handed her the pictures so she had some time to think about this and how she would pull it off.

The days went, and suddenly I was sitting in her chair. I already had a bit of hairdresser-phobia, so I assured her THREE times NOT to cut the length, even if the hair was broken! Three times.

 

"No problem at all" she said. And then she destroyed me.

She could see the horror in my eyes when I looked in the mirror, and then she assured me that she had not, in fact, cut the length at all. She had just cut it a bit shorter in the front, but it was much longer in the back, and what she had cut was needed to be cut.

Like I don't have a mirror at home. Or feelings in my fingertips. Like I'd never figured it out that she had neutered me. Well, FUCK YOU!

You see the difference, right? It went from covering my nipples to not even touch my shoulders. I cried when I got home. No kidding. I cried alot.

It's gone two and a half years now, and my hair is almost at the same length as before the.. incident.

I hate hairdressers....

There is no God. But 13 is the Devil

This world is an odd place to live in. So full of irony. Full of contradiction. Full of bullshit.
I love Friday 13th. I love the fear the date put in people. Making them afraid to walk outside the door. Afraid of anything and everything. I love that over 80% of skyscrapers are said to not have a floor number 13. But most of all I love that in this world we are so confident that there is no God. Yet we all know that the number 13 is pure evil. I'm sorry, I can't write anything more while laughing so hard.

 

Welcome, mini-troll!

New years eve took a different direction than one first could hope. My very much pregnant little sister were sick and tired of the parasite living off her body, constantly kicking her in the ribs, back and bladder, not to mention other forms of pain you experience as a very pregnant person. Therefore she took some laxatives to put the birth in motion. And it seemed to be working. A quarter past 23 I got the terrifying phone call informing me that the contractions had begun and they were rushing to the hospital.


The world collapsed for a second. I mean. I've SEEN the growing, and eventually huge, belly of hers. But I never thought the parasite would be a baby. I mean. I KNEW it was a baby. I just didn't believe it. I think. I still don't. I'm not being mean saying I feel my newborn niece must be adopted. There's absolutely nothing wrong with her. It's my little sister. She can't possibly a mother. No. No way. Too young I tell you. Way too young. She's not old enough to know what coitus is. Damn you Sheldon Cooper, learning my sister about coitus.

Back to the story, shall we? Oh yes. The world collapsed for a second and I nearly cried. Nearly. Me and Sun stood in the hallway screaming for a couple of seconds and half a second later we were dressed to leave. She's auntietwo, so she too has the right to come. But then we both remembered that she has a boyfriend. A boyfriend who knew nobody but Sun in this party we were at. And he wanted to go home if he were left alone. And Sun cried a bit. She so wanted to come with me to the hospital, but none of us wanted him to be alone new years eve. That's just sad. I said I understood her and wanted her to stay, and then I ran as fast as I could to the subway, and made it.

My grandparents picked me up in Oslo and drove me to the hospital. And as I ran inside the hospital I could hear the fireworks outside. And all I could think of was whether I made it or not. I did.
I don't know if the noises outside had anything to do with it, but the baby decided to stay inside the safe and comfortable womb a while longer. And after an hour my sister were sent home with some painkillers. Painkillers. Really? "Will I notice if the real contraction comes while taking these?" "No, but you'll notice when the effect wears off." Comforting.

My mother drove me back to the party where people were so wasted we left at once. My oh so sedated boyfriend were, as always, arguing as hell, yelling how he was not drunk, because he had a glass of water in is hand. I also figured he must be a Jew. Because if you're a Jew and is going to say something important, you must repeat it. Three times in total. So he must be super-Jewish, because he repeats it 7-11 times. Every single time he opens his mouth - when he's drunk. Or "slightly sedated" as he argues he is.

We went to sleep, not knowing that in the middle of the night, around 5 o'clock, the real contractions had begun. My mother decided to stay at my sister's apartment, making sure everything was okay. When the contractions begun it had begun to snow, the weather was dangerous and my mother had taken sleeping pills. So driving the nearly 1hr long drive to the hospital with a screaming girl and two squeamish guys as passengers could have ended in tragedy. The best friend of my brother-in law kept on checking on my mom every 5 mins, asking if she was okay. Until she yelled "NO" back at him several times. Should you bother my mother when she's sleepy, it might just be the last thing you'll ever do. I can only imagine the scenery while laughing.

Anyways. 01.01.2012 at 08.59 my 17 year old sister became a mother for the first time. Her 19 year old boyfriend became a father for the first time, my 39 year old mother became a granny and I became an aunt. Her name is Hailie Eline. But I will call her Mïla. Welcome, my mini-troll, welcome to this world.

She definitely has her mothers mouth!

..And her father's nose.

And she has my finger <3

I made this bunny plushie for her. He is super soft and super adorable, right? First time I've ever made a plushie, so I'm quite proud!

So how was your new years eve?

New year's resolutions

The new year has begun, but I've been just too busy becoming an aunt, work and enjoy life that I haven't really spent much thought on resolutions for 2012. Tradition is sacred, so here they are:



1. Be more honest.
This goes for both me as well for others. It is not that I'm such a dishonest person, it is more that I am a quiet one. I tend to just smile and look away rather than gasp and compliment as my inner feelings want to express. I also suck at telling people what I feel and think about things, but this may also be caused by me not being able to process my feelings, put words to them or some times not even feel them. So I've got plenty of space for improvement.

2. Pay more attention to Sun.
After all the shitty things I've said and done she didn't really want to spend a second on me anymore. She didn' tell me, and I didn't realise. But I did noticed and understood that she needed some space from me and I gave it to her. But now things are different. Good. And I hope I'm not mistaken when I get the feeling she would like to spend time with me again. And so we shall. Also, like I wrote in section 1, I want to be more honest. I her case I want to compliment her more. There are millions of moment where I wanted to compliment her beauty, skills, taste or what not, but haven't. This silence must end, because I know she'd appreciate it more than anyone.

3. Read school related material evenly through the semester.
I have this bad habit of slacking the first months, then read night and day for two weeks. Or even just days. Which results in no higher scores than C, and most of them are D's. I'm getting better and better at it each semester, but now I'm taking 10 points more than what is recommended, one of the subject is Latin (read DIFFICULT) and one of the subject is a 3000-subject, which is subjects recommended for the third year. I'm in my second. So reading will be necessary.

4. Be a good aunt.
This may go as a life resolution, but I'll put it here anyways. I have so many plans for the newborn and all the bullshit I'm going to teach her. Maybe I'll make a list and post it later.

5. Do more of the alternative stuff.
I'm what you call an alternative person. In clothing too, yes, but in this context in my mind. I do tarot readings, practise healing, collect crystals and this year I have high ambitions for my herb garden. I want to do this kind of things more often, I rarely do them now, and haven't even cleansed the new crystals I got in November. And I need to practise mediation. I just don't have the patience. Which is ironic when I can spend 12 hours straight stitching patterns in fabric (been there, done that).

6. Do more stuff from the delay-list.
I love lists. I've got lists for everything. This means I also have a list for things I tend to delay. This list is two years old now, And I'm still not half way. One thing I love almost as much I love lists is to delay what I write on them. Well, it is not really me who love it, more my lazy ass.

7. Exercise.
We all have it on our new year solutions. Even I. I've bought myself a jump rope (?) And have high ambitions of actually jogging (!!!!!!!!) when the air gets warmer.

8. Enjoy the summer more.
I don't feel this need further description. The Norwegian summer is so short, you don't know it's here before it's gone.

9. Begin Christmas shopping in October.
This October I did 80% of my Christmas shopping, and it felt SO good when December came. I had so much time to do what I wanted. Recommend it!

10. Not die December 21.
This is here for me to remember not to take this list too seriously. This goes for you too.



What's your new year's resolutions?

Your actions will speak louder than you

... Or at least so they say.


In the white silence snow brings, I came to think as I wandered outside about some things I've done over the past few years. I have both said and done some terrible things to people I love, and specially one person I love the most. I know it is easy to say I didn't mean anything of it. And I know it may be hard to believe me. I don't even know what half of it was about. I've actually made things up. Saying I've done terrible things I haven't done just to hurt the targeted. I cant even comprehend my own actions. It's like it wasn't me. I don't feel capable of doing such thing, and would never think I've ever be able to do them, if it weren't for the fact that I've already done them.


As I was thinking about this the song "Don't tell me" by Hoobastank came out of my Heartbeats earplugs from my iPod, yes I'm a proud owner of both!, with the message of actions being more reliable than words. My thoughts wandered even further back to my past, to former boyfriends talking bullshit to my face while cheating on me or psychologically abusing me. And I really agreed with the lyrics. Don't come here spitting poison on me, telling me it is sugar and love. And then my thoughts were again focused on the first story.


Christmas Eve I gave the person I love the most a six page letter, telling all I've ever done wrong and apologising for every action I have and have not done, and for all the hurting words I've said and the comforting word's I never had the courage to say. And I meant every word of it. I wanted to start 2012 fresh, a brand new beginning without lies, without unspoken thought or suppressed feelings. We're best friends. Twin souls. We should not keep things from each other. We had a long conversation about it and I think I am forgiven.


She told me about her own thoughts and feelings in the periods I've been an ass, and the hard times after. She never could forgive me after hearing me say such awful things back then. She actually didn't want to have contact with me at all. I replied that yes, my words could kill people faint at heart, and that I never meant a word of it, and that my actions were despicable and makes me nauseous just by thinking of them. She interrupted and said the actions were forgiven and forgotten long ago, it was the words that ruined everything. And I agree.


It kinda makes me sick thinking I've said those things to such a wonderful person that means so incredibly much to me. I don't know how I'm capable of doing so. I guess it's the Scorpio in me. If I'm hurt, if I'm angry, scared or feel vulnerable or like I'm pushed into a corner, I stab the danger with the most venomous poison I have in store. Scorpios know just what words to say to hurt the most. It doesn't even has to be true. And that is exactly what I've done.


But as I wrote in the letter as well, I have really not been all ass. I've done really wonderful things to and with this girl, and told her over and over how much I love her and shown it in so many creative ways I don't even bother try counting. And she is a Scorpio too, so she can really see it in my eyes that I truly mean it. If the apocalypse were to come, she would be the first I'd run to. No joke. Mother? No. Father? No. Boyfriend? No. Brother? No. Sister and her newborn baby? No. She is the FIRST I'd check on. In a heartbeat.



Yes I've done and said things I'm not proud of, but that is nothing to all the love I've showed. And isn't that weird? That when a person tells you all you want to hear, you say actions will tell the truth. But when you hear the things that hurt you, all the actions of love are forgotten.


I guess it's a defence we humans set up. We do have a tendency to focus on the negative, don't we? We don't want to get hurt, so we just expect that others just pretend to love us. I wonder why we think that way? I don't know why we'd rather think we're hated than loved. How we can close both eyes and ears while love is around, or twist it to a personal attack on your person. I will never get humans. They're sure a fascinating entertainment, but I will never quite understand them nonetheless.


I really believe I'm forgiven though. The atmosphere is different, and her smile is no longer restraint, as it was before. And it feels good having said everything I've been thinking, and being completely honest. You should try it. It feels great.