nope

Things have happened, things have really been happening lately, all from bastard best friends to final exams to deaths to relationship, and I'm boss now. Only three more weeks, though, but still. I've been getting up at 3 am, gone to work at 5, worked for ten hours and gone back to bed by 8 pm.
I've been quite busy.

I'm also considering moving back to the Norwegian platform, though nothing is decided yet. I just got a whole lot more response there than here, so my motivation fades.

I hope you've enjoyed your Christmas and enjoy your new year.

Happy Halloween - Happy birthday to me!

The sound is a bit off, but bare with me.
Happy Halloween, and happy birthday to meeeeeee!

The walls are coming down

The walls are coming down
All it took was one, single blow
My tears make me feel like I'm going to drown
My sorrow begins to show
The walls are coming down
The bricks are falling around me

One word is all it takes
Sayonara tore me apart
The world got black, my body started to shake
You have now broken my heart
The word keeps me awake
The earth is trembling beneathe me

I'm kept awake by my fears
Can't recall the last time I slept
My fortress has stand tall for so many years
It's hard for me to accept
That everyone can see my tears
The storm is coming above me

My world is falling apart
You took my soul, you ate my heart
You left me here in pain
I've worked so hard, was my work all in vain?
I just lie here in bed and dwell
I've been so much in and out of Hell
I realise now at last
It may not seem so, but this too shall pass

The walls are coming down
And all it took was one single blow
The rivers flooding my cheeks will not make me drown
I know through this I will grow
The walls are coming down
But I will stand tall through it all

Sayõnara

氷輪






私は本当に申し訳ありませんが銀色の光よ
私はあなたなしでは生きて行けない

傷つけるそれだろう


あなたが私を覚えてほしい わたし


ごめんなさい

私は死んでいる

さようなら

太陽

Moon 

Silver Light

I’m really sorry 

I can not live without you

it would hurt

I want you to remember me

I’m sorry

I’m dead

Goodbye 

Sun

Music and tea can mend almost anything

I'm the daughter of a musician. I grew up with a studio right next to my bedroom, and had music around me every second of every day, and often every night. When you grow up like that you begin to appreciate silence. Therefore I'm not like everybody else who seem to be addicted to listening to music. I like music, love listening to it and do it often, especially when traveling, but like it quiet too, and don't listen to music half as much as I believe others do. But this week I've been listening almost nonstop. I think it is a mix of listening to words that express my feelings better than I do myself and the comfort I recognize from my safe childhood.

I noticed how the songs changed as I changed. From the most depressive songs to bitter songs to songs about rising up and gain strength. So I guess I just wanted to share some of the songs I've been listening to, for you to perhaps get better insight in how I've been feeling, and how I'm feeling now.

This is a long list though, but it also portrays how diverse my taste of music is.



The first section is from the list of music I made the first days as I was just crying nonstop. I could begin to cry everywhere and in every situation. And to me who never cries in front of people, and barely cry alone, this was big.



This is how I felt about the guy. Like everything he said was a lie, and I felt stupid for ever believing he'd liked me.




I was torn between deleting him from my life and give him one more chance. This was used in the moments I just wanted last weekend to be a bad dream.




This is just... so accurate.




This song was to myself. To just.. keep on going.




I added this song because I felt that my best friend, who is called Sun, had killed me.




This too was a song for me to remind myself that it will be a long way to happiness, but I will get there.




This too is just.. accurate.




Couldn't find a lyric video, and this was the only video that wasn't a homemade cover. But the message is still there. Again it had something to do with Sun, and the need for me to just walk away. Many times my thoughts entered the sort of suicidal area, without actually consider that option. There is too much strength in me to even consider that.




I listened to this to remember to feel the pain so I won't sink down in apathy like I tend to do when life is just too hard to handle.




Accurate.. Just... so accurate.




I kinda get tired from writing this, but again very accurate to both feelings and what happened.




This is about my friend. The way she came into my life, portraying herself as an angel, pure without flaws. I often think of the small smile as she told me what she did that night. "The smile when you tore me apart". And as the song say "The world may have failed you, it doesn't give the reason why. You could have chosen a different path".




I listened to this song when all I wanted is for her to just fight for our friendship. She hasn't really done much to keep the friendship alive, I was hoping she'd do something now. Also it reminded me to just get by, breath by breath.




Exactly my thoughts the time I was just angry.




For all the confusion when everyone was lying.




I'm terrible at showing when I'm in pain, but this time I've been fairy open about it. This song is not that relevant to what's happened, I just liked listening to it.



After a few days I went from unbearable grief and hysterically crying to angry and bitter. And thus my music of choice changed.



When I think of how my friend betrayed me in the absolute worst way and yet have done nothing to even show remorse.




Haha as the title say, self therapy. (couldn't find one with decent english grammar, sadly)



There was no lyric vid for this, but you get it, right?



And then, today I've gone over to more strengthening songs like:



There is just no song greater than this in situations like these.




I'm unbreakable. I am titanium.



I know this really isn't about anything near situation, but most of the song can be converted to fit. And the chorus really strengthen me, telling me to stand strong.



It has been a ride, mentally, emotionally, musically. I've been going through radical changes, hopefully for the better. Hopefully my music will be all about love and joy once again.




This is just a great summary of all of this!

I love music.
Almost as much as I love cats and tea.

When your muse is dead

Muses are fairly known to most people, as inspiration. In ancient times they were considered as being divine deities in human shapes, women mostly. Whispering inspiration to you in the form of music, literature, art.

I had a muse like that. She didn't know, because I never told her. She was the reason I began blogging in the first place. The reason I kept going. We barely talked, but I had a sense that she was important to me spiritually. I didn't know what, how or why. But there was no accident that I found her.

It began a couple years ago when we both were members of the same wiccan web forum. I'd never noticed her before, and never talked to her. But she posted something and got pecked on immediately. She fought back for a while, but gave up reasoning with them, as she was used to people not treat her in a right manner and thus had began an apathetic way of life. I couldn't stand for it and meddled in. Defending her right to believe what ever, trying to make them see that no one can say they hold the truth in their minds. That our word merely is a product of our mind, and thus we all live in different worlds, different realities with different truths.
And I'm pretty stubborn with this, so even though they started to peck on me instead, trying to bring me down, I couldn't care. That is what's so great about realising all this. Even though someone tries to bring you down by telling you that what you believe is wrong, you know that it's just their reality. Not the truth. Not my truth. And therefore I cannot blame them for thinking I'm wrong or for defending their belief. But as our discussion went on and on, she had deleted her membership. I thought of it as sad that they got to her and that she didn't feel welcome, but that's life and I didn't know her, so life just went on.

After a few months I was browsing google for some good exercising tips, and by coincidence, or not, I landed on a blog I later found was hers. I read a few posts and found that despite her young age she was quite intelligent and interesting. So I kept on reading till I'd read it all. And so I found a link to an even older blog of hers and read the whole thing too. I was fascinated by this girl. By her insight and her well expressed thoughts, She was really a writer. And should've gotten something published.

But there was more than her insight that caught my interest. She was incredibly like me. Much more outrageous though, but still very much the same. And I mean very concrete things as well. Like that she was pretty obsessed with the moon, and had moonlike nicknames, as I. But that could fit many. Not many also have a friend called Sun. Not many have both these thing and in the same time think like I, like the things I like, believe the way I do, have experienced the same thing in life. She put words on so many thoughts I haven't even realised I was thinking.

But she was still a bit outrageous. And sometimes too outrageous that I dared befriend her. And then she started using drugs. Heavily. And she openly shared this on her blog. Still as insightful as always, but slowly rot away, both in mind and body. It was hard watching this amazing creature destroy herself this way, but she had already lost her interest in life. I, as so many others, wanted to help her out, and many tried. But I didn't. I was afraid I would do as I always do. Go in to save this girl, get too emotionally attached and devastated when I failed. I always do that. I just hoped she could get through this herself or that someone would manage to help her. But she didn't. And no one else did. And during the Easter holiday this year she died.

She died in a middle of a very tough time of my life, as one of the most important persons in my life had too attempted suicide, leaving me to wreck, in an ocean of self destructive thoughts. And losing my muse didn't make it any better. And I never got to process any of it, as I suddenly found myself between hectic exams and boyfriend quarrels. And suddenly I had neither exams or boyfriend. I had the time and the freedom to do what ever. I never ment for my blog to get neglected. I've tried many times to come up with something to write about, and I do have a lot to write about. I just haven't found the words. I haven't had my inspiration. My muse is dead.

I think I'm still in shock. I'm just still waiting for that new blog entry of hers. But perhaps writing all of this will provide realisation and closure. That awful period of mine is over. I don't need to run from it anymore. I don't need to hide. I don't need to avoid the reminders. Life moves on. And hopefully, so will my blog. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while. And I'm back.

Luna's adventure as a pirate!

Have I ever told you how frightened I get from water? Let's just say I wasn't completely thrilled about spending two nights on a boat, but the first 45 minutes I was so scared I just lied in our room in foetal position slightly hyperventilating and silently crying. And that was even before the boat had turned on it's engines. That's how scared I am. The fact that I'm also scared of heights and our room was on the ninth floor might not have helped.

The first hours I was so full of anxiety that I got really tired quickly and had to take a nap. But after that things got better. And in the night I pretended I was a pirate (no, I actually did this) so that I wouldn't be so scared on the boat. And it worked. The rest of the trip I wasn't scared at all, and I even went bathing in Aqualand with my ex. Oh, yeah, I spent the trip with my ex and his family. They all really wanted me to come along even though the relationship is over, so it was really nice. No awkwardness at all! -Which had been concerning me in advance. Besides, they had already payed for it and it was a 6 star room with ocean view at the front of the boat. Who can say no to free luxury in great company?

Me and my ex went ashore in Kiel where I found lots of stuff. Eight CDs, a large Rose Quartz, an octopus fossil, a ghost shirt and piercing balls.

We went back on the boat for more shopping where I shopped some more in the tax-free.

I'm super tired, so I wont be writing too much more. Here are some pictures instead:

Our room

My ex

Roomstuff

Room

Restaurant. I really got the feeling I was on Titanic here - not helping my fright of boats though.

Me in the window of our room *sorry for dark pics*

My ex provided for an unforgettable last night together. And I got my last black rose.

Things I bought!!!

What a great trip!

My declaration of independence

Things has happened lately.  And one of those things is that my relationship status has changed from being in a long term relationship to be alone. And I'm pretty comfortable with it.
It was a clean, nice break up and we're good friends. In fact I'm going to his place tomorrow for a Game of Thrones marathon, and later this summer I'm still invited to a boat trip with him and his family.

First thing I did after the break up was drinking with my co students (the finals are over! YAY!). And got kidnapped by one of them accompanied by his friend. Second was to redecorate my room and build me a bed. A king size bed who can turn into a neat sofa and with drawers beneath. And I did it all by myself with pink tools. That's how a lady begins her new life. And that's how a lady gets blisters in her palms. But I did it myself, even though it was recommended being two or more. Just to prove to myself that I'm a strong and independent girl woman. Not that I had forgot, I just like reminding myself once in a while.

My room is gorgeous now. Pics will happen. Better than I've ever dreamt of. One day I have the whole day off I'm just going to stay in bed with chocolate and ice cream listening to sobby heartache music and read Edgar Allan Poe, perhaps watch the movie Cleopatra, starring Elizabeth Taylor. I can't wait!

Usually when I get single I tend to reorganise my whole life. I change the way I do my make up, I change habits, routines. I change my looks, whether it's the hair or clothes or what not. I begin to exercise, do things I normally wouldn't do, test my limits and my fears. But now.. Nothing. I feel no urge to change anything. I'm planning to dye my hair red, but I've been planning that for months. I'm eating normally, I'm not fanatically trying to change anything. And that is the sad part of all this. I love these periods. It's these where I feel the strongest, when I try out new things, find new interests, new ways to look at life, new ways to look great. I just hope it comes when I have the time to sit down and take a breather. In the meantime I listen to this song:






I'm not waitin' around for a man to save me 
('Cause I'm happy where I am) 
Don't depend on a guy to validate me 
I don't need to be anyone's baby 
(Is that so hard to understand?) 
No I don't need another half to make me whole 

Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't 
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't 

This is my current single status 
My declaration of independence 
There's no way I'm tradin' places 
Right now a star's in the ascendant 

I'm single 
(Right now) 
That's how I want to be 
I'm single 
(Right now) 
That's how I want to be 

Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good 
(I like who I am) 
I'm not saying I don't want to fall in love 'cause I would 
I'm not gonna get hooked up just 'cause you say I should 
(Can't romance on demand) 
I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood 

Everything in it's right time everything in it's right place 
I know I'll settle down one day 
But 'til then I like it this way it's my way 
Eh I like it this way 

Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't 
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't 
'Til then I'm single 

This is my current single status 
My declaration of independence 
There's no way I'm tradin' places 
Right now a star's in the ascendant

Stigmata

So it turns out I’ve caught a severe form of Stigmata. The only logical cause of this is of course that I’m the last of Jesus’ bloodline. I’m not really looking forward to the spear wound, but having Robert Langdon over will be awesome!

As you can see, the hand wound is almost healed. I guess it comes with the healing Jesus-powers inside me. But the wound caused by the crown of thorns is fairly fresh.

BOW DOWN TO ME! WORSHIP ME!
I also now have an unlimited storage of wine.

You blocked me on Facebook and now you must die.

Today I love this song. Just hope my ex, whom I may or may not have blocked from facebook due to stalking, finds this song, because then I'll be dead.